I miss you. There’s no other words to describe what I’m feeling right now.
What hurts is that I can’t do a lot about this. I’m tired of fighting. I feel that you’re just waiting for me to go. Aren’t you? Or are you protecting yourself more than I did?
I hope you are happy and can sleep at night thinking that you’ve just broken my heart again. Again and again and again. I really hope you are.
The 31 eventful days of October felt like 3 years of my life when I was younger (and I thought back then, my life happened fast). Nowadays, I feel like moments are more fleeting, people come and go more often, so you have to strive to hold on the the gift of present as much as you can.
I’ve been chasing tangible achievements in a seemingly endless pace, and sometimes it can be taxing I sometimes forget to cherish the process. Or it usually happens once a major task is over, or when there’s a moment to reflect. A friend told me that I should learn how to consciously pause and sit still. Take it easy. but me being me, it’s not easy to take it easy (^_^) I’ve always wanted planned change; I even pursued a scholarly field about planned social change, but life lately taught me I can’t always plan my desired change. I need learn how to adapt to it as life gets more complex, uncertain, and vulnerable. Sometimes, or perhaps most of the time, it is about swimming with the tide.
It will be about 11 Fridays left before 2024…I do not know what lies beyond. What I know is that I just want to cherish and nurture meaningful connections no matter how fleeting, serendipitous, or even longer than fleeting it is. Ah yes, I remember vividly, that phrase, “one step at a time,” which now carry a different, deep, and very personal meaning.
I’m at the pinnacle of proving myself, just as anyone in an organization.
The ultimate teller whether I deserve or belong to the academe or not. Frankly, the thought of it paralyzes me. I have ongoing PhD studies and a couple of projects lined up that, sadly, conjures anxiety. anxiety whether I could deliver. I sleep and wake up early not having the energy to work on my paper, but to think, think, and think more. I do not know if I’m undergoing depression but, I am stuck. That is for sure.
Then there’s the anxiety of finishing the degree. Given the comments, do I deserve it or not? Then comes the demand to do more analysis that does not seem to end. Where I couldn’t even start. I needed more time to do it as I need a job, but at the same time, it’s taking too long and it’s taking toll, I do not know if I know my study any longer. Nauumay na ako sa topic ko. I want to move to something else. I do not even know if I know enough.
Then friends disconnecting and me disconnecting with friends. I did not realize I am slowly moving away from people that I just want to vanish and just be visible to only a few. Gusto ko mag disconnect at mag recharge somewhere else. The funny thing is, I feel like, I’m atoning for the consequences of some risky choices I’ve made that is why, I’m just living within my means, I’m not as well-off as I was before. I forgot my practitioner skills.
I want to live a day at a time and to have the enthusiasm to maintain and nurture relationships. But I do not know how to do it right now, I’m afraid.
Being in PhD is like being in a toxic situationship (10 years ago, it was juxtaposed to marriage but since I am single, I’m placing it on the post modern dating labelling)– whatever narrative, in the pessimistic standpoint
-You chase attention (of respondents, of participants, of important people that would have valuable contribution in your work)
– You enter many no label relationships — friends can be lbeled as advisers, consultants, ka talking stage (pag kelangan mo lang ng emotional trashcan)
– You try (and feel tortured) to read between lines and seen zones kapag me tinanong ka related sa thesis mo
-Small, constructive comments on improvements reads 10x more heartbreaking to you and then you enter the 5 stages of grief (for at least two weeks) before you can write that one damn sentence again. After typing one sentence, you sleep.
-You tend to overthink. A LOT. and it resonates sometimes with your other social interactions
-You question time and again if it is something worth pursuing
-You tend to eat and eat (your sorrows and uncertainties away)
– no matter how big your “support group” is, most of the time, you feel alone.
Of course, these can be turned into purely, optimistic standpoint like God’s perfect timing and other rainbows and butterflies narratives (or in George Kelly, the other construct– the positive would not exist without the negative).
Looking back, ang layo na ng narating ko when it comes to dealing with emotions and people.
Hindi ko naman plano sumuko. Gusto ko lang i-rant para makasulat na ako.
I like being alone now more than ever. There is so much beauty in solitude, I realize.
In my quiet times, I relive our memories. This is where I keep things alive again. Like my heart wasn’t shattered.
In my solitude, I sit through my pain. It’s as if it was just yesterday.
It took a while before I can finally write about it. To finally sit through it and process all the things that happened.
No, nobody died or was physically harmed. Only emotionally damaged. (maybe needed saving but the world is too busy for people who wear their hearts on their sleeve?). I wish it were easy, like for other people. I wish I had it easy like everyone else.
Sometimes, I am okay. I thrive. I survive. I learned to live through the pain. Maybe, people cause harm because of the pain inflicted upon them.
It takes hard work to carve your happiness. I wish it would be that easy. I did not realize even carving happiness (in my case, at least) takes hard work.
One day, it will be easier. I’ll get used to it. One day. I long for that day. But sometimes, I don’t.
Because I might forget you. I don’t want to.
So let me sit here for a little bit more while.
In my newfound silence, I found my peace and struggle.
In my silence, it is where I can be alive and die at the same time.
In silence, I sought to find my closure and epiphany.
I tell you the things I wanted to tell you
At the same time apologize to myself because of my stubborness.
I stay silent… because there’s just nothing left to say.
Wonderluster 