Countdown to thirty three Part 1

That should be about 116 days from now. I’ve encountered articles writing about decade-long learnings– i.e. Things I learned in my 20s, etc. My learning, didn’t begin until I reached 30. I think  I was swept off with chronic bouts of depression over the last three years since I entered that magical decade, and was not able, until now, to say I am ready to wiggle out of my hole. Yes, it took me this long to think through and rationalize thigs– what worked, what didn’t work… everything was an iterative process. And I cannot wait to write it up until I turn 33 or even 40 before I compose and article “Shitty things I learned when I turned 40,”  so let me cap off what happened in that three dark years:

Love. I finally took it upon myself to TRY telling a person that I liked him for the years that we’ve been together as friends (that maybe he DID notice, but was polite to brush it off). But TRY is such a big word for me, so nothing materialized. I remember reading a spiritual book by Elizabeth Phillips that females who are attracted to the opposite sex, should learn how to keep their feelings. So I still kept it. Guarded it. But, because the feeling was too much to take, it couldn’t help but fill up the brim sometimes, I behaved harshly, I put up a wall between us so as to guard this feeling so much. In my attempt to do so, I pushed the guy away (at least in my perception). then I would feel morose. Then I would like to “take it all back.” Be apologetic. Then I see something, I behave irrationally again. I was crazy. Crazy little bitch. Until recently, I just don’t feel like talking anymore. I was too exhausted. I feel like I am an empty shell. Void and cold. Uninspired. In deep shit. I remember my sister who coaxed me to watch “Frozen” because, she described me as Elsa. Someone who guarded her feelings so much when actually it’s okay to be yourself and you are just vulnerable as anyone else. Yeah, let it go.

Last night, during dinner, I was able to blurt all of these to my friend, who’s a good listener (Really, I should have her skills). I realized then what was SO wrong with me. Where is this all bitterness coming from. “I cannot give, what I do not have,” I recall telling her. Even if my guy friend who keeps showering me with affection, could not fill the void that I am feeling. I also acknowledge my feelings that I am really feeling low. That I am feleing empty and that I forgot how it is to be happy again. I realized last night that I miss my old self– when I was below 30, then. I was a poor employee, no regular salary, but then I could not recall the exact moment, but I remember the feeling that time– I was in my happiest form then. I have the world in my hands. And then, I turned 30 and I was not the same. Maybe it’s the choices I made. I didn’t love myself enough to know what I deserve.

So at 32 turning 33, life taught me how it is to feel empty. That deep ingrained loneliness that you don’t know where it’s coming from and such an emptiness that no one can ever seem to fill. And at this age, I realize, I have to chase after it and then be joyful.

At this age, I realized I do not need a lovelife or another person to play my cards with; I don’t need to look for happiness again. I need to learn how to be joyful. In every loneliness, in every circumstances, in every pain.

I was thinking of a perfect bible verse, but one of my favorites kept running in my head: Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. This is my season of finding joy. I have to bring myself up again. It’s been too long already.