My eyes are still brimming with tears. Tears of separation anxiety, tears of longing, tears of loneliness (ang drama). I’m not trying to make paawa, I guess it’s just normal for a person to feel this way from time to time. I know nasa talaba mode na naman ako (read: shell fish= selfish) with this feeling that I am harboring. There are just a lot of moments that passed by, what might have beens, what could have beens. I was with this person for six years, never a special day missed without this person, but, as they said, these instances are called “moment,” to give justice to its fleeting existence. I was with another person for four years, and yes, eventually, I was left again. I didn’t need to witness “death” to realize how fleeting our life is. And I have nothing against these people physically leaving my side (moving to another place) . It’s just that, when someone leaves, loneliness is inevitable, just as how leaving at some point of someone’s life is inevitable.
It gives me a small smile, though, knowing that all things work for good for those who love God (Romans 8:28). These people left because it was all in God’s plan. He planned it. One person, particularly, was called to serve by the Lord. Who am I not to obey His will by simply letting go of the selfish possibility of keeping a friend under my wing? I know all of us are called to serve the Lord and few only responded to this call, and this person, my friend, is someone who bravely did so. I am happy. But, I can’t help feeling lonely. This means I have to pick up the pieces again, of looking for another constant intellectual conversant. But, I know God loves me as well. He left me with wonderful friends to share my views with. My friend’s presence is divided into several souls that I presently deal with and closely encounter, so I don’t have to miss him always.
Another epiphany is that God knocks in our lives through different people, events, and happenings in our daily pattern. It is up to us how to respond to his call. How to respond to his knock. Should we answer it? Should we ignore it? I know this has been God’s question to me. My friend who left to be a missionary would always post this question to me before. I hope he still prays for me out there to have the courage he took to follow God’s plan. This morning, I left a fervent prayer. I requested God to take me wherever He wants me to be. I will try to obey him. Coincidentally, a hymnal song was sang during the communion rites, a song about man’s communion with the Lord. Communion, meaning giving all his life and being to God and serving His ministry. Surprisingly, I found myself crying. Maybe it was a combination of sadness, longing, and happiness. All at the same time, I was letting go of two special people in my life. I was giving their lives to God as much as I am giving mine. Oh, how difficult that was, being the self-centered person that I am. Being the sinner that I am.
Third epiphany is that no mortal can be your rock. Friends maybe God’s reflection, but they are sinners as well. At some point, they can disappoint you. At some point, they can be unfaithful. God is always faithful. Jesus should be your rock. For nobody have caught a person rock bottom and rose back to “life” by not calling the Lord’s name. Another case in point: you don’t solely rely on friends always to cheer you up, or for your to have a shoulder to cry on. No friend can be constant. At some point, a s/he can disappoint you, for they are only human, prone to flaws, and are fallible. You must not look up to them as if they will never hurt you for they will, mostly unintentionally, no matter how good they are. All you can do is to know yourself, and know who is omnipresent and omniscient. And rest on that fact. Years ago, I didn’t understand what this meant. I had to have several disappointment and failure before I realized this, but it was all worth it. Truly, you will know you God when faced with trials.
Fourth epiphany is the sermon that I received this Sunday. They said in Mark 12:33 to Love God” ..And to love Him with all your heart, with all your understanding, with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is worth more than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.” Everything begins with our love for the Lord. Our love for the Lord will never forsake any deed that we intend to do. Let the love for Him set the direction of our lives. As they say “All things work for good for those who love God” (Romans 8:28).
Yes, I will still shed a tear for each special person that comes and goes into my life. And whenever this loneliness creeps in, I will always remember those epiphanies I had today. It will help me move on, help me to remind that everything happens for a reason, and God’s plan is always the perfect one. Most especially that, God loves everyone of us. And He has laid out a beautiful, special plan for each of his child. I will rest on that fact. It’s like a comforting hug from above.
So, I will now wipe this tear and hope for the best. I will now embark in God’s fearfully and wonderfully custom made blueprint for me.