Bridget Jones thought her life was boring. Not until she got herself a red journal and started to chronicle her “single” events.
…and for the longest time I have thought life, particularly mine, is boring. If boring could be defined as nothing to do much on a weekend of spending the night alone on a Friday, it could be actually BORING to anyone. Several months after my 30th, I have been blogging how sorry my life is. Oftentimes, I even long for a particular person that I have been praying for years now.
From a bird’s eye perspective, it could still be. Life can still be boring. But I realized it depends on who defines it; and how it’s defined. I ‘m still immersed with my almost 12 hours a day job but what makes it different is that I have started to see it in a different light. I started waking up each day, repeating a mantra in my head that whatever I will do “should be for God’s glory” cheesy di ba. But well, it makes a heck of a difference. Try repeating this in your head until it becomes a mantra and you find yourself stronger everyday. Don’t get me wrong. I still have my fits. I still get irritated over simple things easily. But the thing is, before I explode, God has been giving me a clear mind to think first, even just one second longer than before before I can react. The next thing that I need to work on is to have grace in the most unfit circumstances. There’s still a lot of progress to work on, as I am not perfect. But through prayers, I was able to get through things, at least.
…the longing for that particular someone, it’s still sitting out there. But I prayed to God to just heal my heart to work towards obeying Him rather than sit and ask on my whims. There are times I still feel weak, but He sends people to remind me that HE knows what’s in my heart. That I need not to be doubtful. Suddenly, the feeling of longingness was gone. I woke up one day, miraculously, without that feeling of loneliness creeping in.. I have learned to love. Love a person in the distance enough to accept his weaknesses, his imperfection, while recognizing he is one of the most wonderful people God has created. Loving with more joy and less pain. Loving while hoping. Loving while accepting the uncertainty.
I think I now know how to love rightfully–it’s just a matter of putting the right feeling in the right place. and giving it to the right person.
Now, months after my bitterness, I sit here and reflect on counting the blessings God has in fact given me during the time I thought I was not blessed. My singleness is a blessing, I was able to love everyone freely, I can be my own person, not of anothers’, a single person that is for God and others.
I have stopped waiting. But I’ve started hoping.
For the first time, uncertainty became bliss.