[pagoda cold wave lotion]

This day is mentally tiring. I feel like a week’s worth of energy has been sucked out of me. For the past 48 hours, I feel like I haven’t been doing anything right. There’s the Hanoi workshop I’m organizing, the Rice Congress I’m assisting with (which includes some materials development), and the Poster that I have to do (for self-development thing). The problem with me, the moody person, is that I lie in the extremes: I deliver better when I’m in a good mood and I tend to mess up things when I’m pressured. I can deliver, but not the excellent output that I hope I could get; and when that happens, it frustrates me.

There’s still a list of to-do things that sits in the dark accumulating with cobwebs and waiting for attention. Maybe I suck in time management; or maybe I am wishing to be doing something else which I am not sure I am capable of; or maybe I am simply making a stupid excuse of being the best in not doing anything right.

It’s “just a job”, at the end of the day, but I don’t want to treat this day to day encounter to be a job but a gift, something that I will feel that I am giving my best and getting the feeling that I am getting an equal result. A social routine that enhances my interpersonal and negotiating skills. An analytical task that challenges my cognitive skills. Today, my love for myself has decreased for a few notches and I turn into second-guessing myself again. If I said something wrong, in my effort to be in my best form; hindi ko na alam. It’s tiring to be always conscious. When I tell people that I am unproductive they say, “Akala mo lang unproductive ka kasi hindi mo nakuha ‘yung gusto mong resulta.” Could be true.

I think I should just go home and call it a day.


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