I’m addicted to Sarah Kay, one of the fastest rising spoken word poets. And who has heard of  ”spoken word poetry?” I didn’t know another piece of literature existed until a friend shared me a link to this girl’s youtube performance at SF Cafe. It was one of her, and her best friend Phil Kaye’s  (not in any way related to her) first performance, I assume.

They were standing at the stage in black sweaters, sleeves falling on the same place. Sarah delivered her first lines and I was hooked. They perfomed The Origin–it’s their poem for each  other. But as I listened to it, it was more than that. The first few lines hit me. “We decided not to go out,” they declared, and I  wondered why. Geez, I’d like to have my guy best friend for a husband, I thought, how come these two won’t want that? And as I listened on, I understood. I very well understood. Their poem below says why, and everything suddenly made sense to me. Yeah, there were days when I so long wanted to have my best friend as my lifetime partner, but, in case that doesn’t end that way, I could very well understand why. Now the song friend of mine doesn’t affect me anymore. That line when the song “now I know friends are all we ever could be…”  yeah, it could be lonely, but, as long as you know you can love the person and be his friend forever, that’s a feat. Friendship is also a relationship blessed by God so you can run to each other, less intimacy. You can love a friend as infinitely as you can love anyone else in the world. Through high hell and waters, you can always be there for each other. Your love for each other will be your commitment. You can always share your home to this person as well. You can fight him without feeling guilty, knowing that at the end of the day, you will still be accepted for who you are.

Who says, “friends are all we EVER COULD BE?” Friend is what I will always and can be, through thick and thin. In sickness and in health. I love you, but there’s no need to always validate it. I always will. A friend always does.

The Origin (Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye)

what are the odds of finding someone who can finish your sentences? who will let you cut in line. who knows not to just lend a hand or an ear when you need them to give you their spine. who keeps every secret, saves every letter, tells you how you really look. remembers every single one of your birthdays, without checking facebook. what are the chances of finding someone who knows your poetry by heart? who won’t freak out if you’re hanging out and accidentally fart.

I will always save you a seat. I will always pick you to be my partner even though you are terrible at handball.  when you lose everything in the fire, my home will be your home. when you get old and can no longer remember my face, I will meet you for the first time again and again. when they make fun of your accent, I will take you swimming because we all sound the same underwater. when Ellis Island tries to erase your past, I will call you by your real name. when they call your number for the draft, I will enlist to fight beside you. I will march with you from Selma to Montgomery and back as many times as it takes. we will stand together against the hoses and the dogs because it didn’t start with us.

it started with Lennon and McCartney. it started with Thelma and Louise. Winnie the Pooh and Christopher Robin. Bert and Ernie. Abbott and Castello. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Mario and Luigi. Watson and Sherlock.

& they could tell you what a miracle this is. they could tell you how rare this is. but they could tell you how rare it always is. the chances are slim. the cards are always stacked against you. the odds, always low.

but i have seen the best of you and the worst of you and i choose both. i want to share ever single one of your sunshines and save some for later. i will tuck them into my pockets so i can give them back to you when the rains fall hard. friend, i want to be the mirror that reminds you to love yourself. i want to be the air in your lungs to remind you to breathe easy. when the walls come down, when the thunder rumbles, when nobody else is home, hold my hand and i promise i wont let go

So if I may point out, I’d rather find Joy instead of happiness. For the feeling of joy is finding God and defining His purpose in every situation we encounter, be it good or bad. Joy can also bring grace, i.e. the rare gift from God that displays nothing but his unconditional love to us.

So read on, and try to achieve all of the things enumerated (take my “happinesss” advice into consideration) and bask in God’s blessing for the rest of 2012! Ten things to start doing to yourself 

…and for the longest time I have thought life, particularly mine, is boring. If boring could be defined as nothing to do much on a weekend of spending the night alone on a Friday, it could be actually BORING to anyone. Several months after my 30th, I have been blogging how sorry my life is. Oftentimes, I even long for a particular person that I have been praying for years now.

From a bird’s eye perspective, it could still be. Life can still be boring. But I realized it depends on who defines it; and how it’s defined.  I ‘m still immersed with my almost 12 hours a day job but what makes it different is that I have started to see it in a different light. I started waking up each day, repeating a mantra in my head that whatever I will do “should be for God’s glory” cheesy di ba. But well, it makes a heck of a difference. Try repeating this in your head until it becomes a mantra and you find yourself stronger everyday. Don’t get me wrong. I still have my fits. I still get irritated over simple things easily. But the thing is, before I explode, God has been giving me a clear mind to think first, even just one second longer than before before I can react. The next thing that I need to work on is to have grace in the most unfit circumstances.  There’s still a lot of progress to work on, as I am not perfect. But through prayers, I was able to get through things, at least.

…the longing for that particular someone, it’s still sitting out there. But I prayed to God to just heal my heart to work towards obeying Him rather than sit and ask on my whims. There are times I still feel weak, but He sends people to remind me that HE knows what’s in my heart. That I need not to be doubtful. Suddenly, the feeling of longingness was gone. I woke up one day, miraculously, without that feeling of loneliness creeping in.. I have learned to love. Love a person in the distance enough to accept his weaknesses, his imperfection, while recognizing he is one of the most wonderful people God has created. Loving with more joy and less pain.  Loving while hoping. Loving while accepting the uncertainty.

I think I now know how to love rightfully–it’s just a matter of putting the right feeling in the right place. and giving it to the right person.

Now, months after my bitterness, I sit here and reflect on counting the blessings God has in fact given me during the time I thought I was not blessed. My singleness is a blessing, I was able to love everyone freely, I can be my own person, not of anothers’, a single person that is for God and others.

I have stopped waiting. But I’ve started hoping.

For the first time, uncertainty became bliss.

Oh don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate my job. I love it, especially the travelling that comes along with it. It’s just that when you travel for official matters, majorly, it’s not a bed of roses just what everybody think it is. Especially with what I do.

When a boss tells me that I will join a travel abroad, usually, it’s for a workshop. And being a Project Assistant, I get the nickname “mother goose of the event.” It means I have to take care of everything–booking the plane tickets, securing visas for the attendees, contacting the invitees, drafting the invitation letter….wait can I just attach my resume?

Kidding aside, travelling for official matters means that you don’t get the leisure that you want or everybody may expect it to be. I am the first one to get up, and the last one to hit the sack. If I get lucky enough, I get to have a meeting with the boss to ensure the next day’s event would go smoothly. And on the event itself, you make sure everybody is there, everybody gets refunded for their taxis or meals or plane tickets. I remember booking my Filipino, Cambodian and Vietnames participants in separate hotels (we booked too late and was not able to billet them in one lodging), I have to coordinate with the front desk of the hotel to get my Cambodian and Filipino participants taxis for airport and conference venue drop off.  And not everyone speaks English fluently, it has to be a mix of verbal and non-verbal communication, which works best (I remember a co-worker and I used to literally act out in front of  a hotel receptionist in Ho Chi Minh to book us in a separate room) sometimes. This time, it has to be over the phone, so I have to grab a Vietnamese participant and have him talk to the taxi driver and hotel front desk officer. While the bus is moving. And I don’t have to look panicky (when in fact, I’m a bit hypocondriac blame the 33% Judging personality blood in me).

During the workshop, you make sure you gave your participants the best venue, food, and services that they will get. It may sound stressful, but the satisfaction of getting a sincere “thank you” from the participants is just so priceless. Being on board in an international organization for just a few years, there’s still a lot to learn. And so far, the lessons are hard-hitting enough not be valued or leave a dent in my head. Being the perfectionist and cautious that I am, I learned to let go, embrace mistakes, and ensure it won’t happen the second time around. I learned to lessen my hypocondriac persona as life is a series of mistakes that turns into lessons, that turns into wisdom.

One of the best thing about this job is that after the event, yeah, you get to breathe and relax. You can throw the event away from your mind (else you need to work on the proceedings, but that’s another story). While the participants (that was ensured to have the best food, venue, and services) are pressured to write a paper or trip report about the workshop. I remember in one of my trips in Hanoi, I was able to rest for one day and walk around the water puppet theater in Hanoi. But most days, I don’t have the time (I still haven’t gone to Ho Chi Minh monument when I got there in 2008). But I just leave it as an indicator that I have to return. And the second time would always be a more relaxed one.

And yeah, the second best thing is meeting new people. Immersing into new culture. Something that you get to bring back to your home and makes you appreciate life more. Some little stories to tell kids and peers. Some little stories to put into this blog. Some experiences to thank God for.

So rather than looking forward to the new place (which is secondary), I look forward more to the new lessons I will learn (that will enable my cousin to exclaim “Lo and behold!” again) that will turn into wisdom.

So…back with the Cambodia and VietNam thing again. I have four days to complete everything. And on top of this, I have a Philippine meeting (National Level) to oversee. I missed the pressure, and so God gave me this. There is just no second best to this.

Being ready means having the passion and confidence of exploring higher studies. Sometimes, I also ask, do I really need another degree, or more work experience?

A friend told me to submit my uncertainty to God’s will. If he wants me to study, let Him show me how to proceed. And so, that’s what I am doing right now. There are also small voices inside my head that tells me to entertain other things/activities than Graduate school.

I need to pray for discernment. I know the answer will come in God’s perfect time

May 9, 2009

I have almost a little more than 72 hours left before I see for myself how do I fare up as an aspiring “communication specialist” kuno. As early as this, I could sumise that this is no smooth drive; especially trying my best to veer away from and sometimes giving into temptations of complacency. I thought I could develop a sense of discipline of strictly reading and memorizing to fulfill my scholarly duties; but instead developed this habit of random-reading. Whatever subject fancies me for the day that will likely be my subject for the day— or a week. It’s a far cry from Mozart’s 10,000 hours of practice that made him genius. The stored notes didn’t come in handy. I completely did not use them (my classmates who would be reading this might go like—“WHAT THE HECK—“). For my development theories, I befriended Jeffrey Sachs and William Easterly; for my Development communication theories, I was introduced to Littlejohn and Foss (I’ll be no Communication scholar has not read this book), Kathryn Miller’s few concepts, drowned in some UNDP, Worldbank, IDS, and most especially, SAGE publications.

Given this seemingly sea of literatures, I think it’s still a long road ahead, because it was only now that I was able to establish a reading habit that will take me to read a book in three days or less. I don’t know if I was able to completely soak in all the information; but what is most important to me is to remember the salient ones. That’s why it’s important to find a reading or writing style you can most identify with. There are a lot of websites out there. The global village just offers a wide array of materials. Then look around you, and experience how the theories you’ve read unfold before your eyes. How the concept of phenomenology (knowledge creation through experience) hits you when you reflect on your most valuable lesson learned; see the connection of symbolic interactionism (one’s ability to relay complex messages) into a scientists’ explanation how the tahong practice sex (that’s how my sister put it in layman’s term); or identify poststructuralism concepts when deconstructing a boyfriend’s text message; and the list goes on. Well, that’s just me when I look at people and things. So if you see me squinting at one corner as you become skirmish with your boyfriend, thing is, I am actually analyzing how your meanings become different that raised the boiling point. It’s not that I am playing nerd; in fact, I hate that. I realize that there are better things to do that get yourself in to a love squabble. At least, I get to answer some queries. And if I begin asking you about your values and about important things in life, I am actually construing your meanings and correlating with your previous lived experiences (more valued experiences)—a perfect euphemism of psychoanalysis cum rumor mongering.

It’s not that I’m trying to recite the concepts that I came across with, I’m just trying to bridge oceans that theories arose from experiences—it’s human-based, so there shouldn’t be a misconception that theories are solely understood by bookish people who happen to have an academic duty of earning a degree. The thing is, I realized there is a need to learn to enjoy the process of learning rather than look into it as an end. It’s something that I learned from an undergraduate research. Learning becomes more valuable if it was looked into as a process rather than an end. It was an epiphany to me that maybe, this was the main guiding principle that I lacked when I started in College. I let worry eat me up, I was in U.P. a prime state university, so I should, by all means earn a UP diploma. This made all the scientific learning gone in haste the moment I walked up the stage, with the Aida march belching in the background. Now that I look back my mind is always drenched with “What ifs.” Yeah, if someone out there had explained to me how I will actually make use of my technical background as a weapon to survive my chosen path, I would have done better—or at least tried to. But everything is just water under the bridge.

So, amidst everything, I stopped the attitude of reading to memorize; or stressing myself (for now, hehehe) because I have to prove something (although that can’t be helped sometimes). Learning through experience, is one of the salient keys to happier life. But more importantly, enjoying the process, and learning through the process is the key to a more fulfilled life. Pray a lot to be guided thoroughly. Even if prayers seem unanswered, continue to pray, because praying makes you realize that SOMEONE UP THERE is actually walking with you through your ordeal, challenges and triumphs.

Two days after your silent passing, I sit here in a room, trying to get back to my usual routine. Burying my thoughts in work, trying to work on a planthopper flyer due tomorrow; then the invitation letter for my project’s Planning Meeting scheduled next month, and the list goes on. Funny, as I attend to all of these, I can hear your voice in my head…your soft voice back a month ago telling me to never to take work too seriously and not to stress myself out. That I should go out and enjoy. 5 pm and I should be out of the office and get more life and relax; then not to go to the gym, jog in the morning, ensuring to ingest more postivie ions; then get married, bear children who will take care of me when I get sick. Have a husband by my side that will always be there for me. All of these, no matter how soft and far, rings clear and reverberates a hundred times.

For those are the last memories you chose to leave with me…that 29 December morning of 2010 way back from June 2007; when we first met in DEVC 201 class. All the memories are washed down like a series of slideshows and videos. That time, I never treated anyone of you as my seniors but of colleagues, where my bratness found solace, and you shushed me like an elder sister. You told me not to curse when mad, finish the food on my plate, and taught me how to flirt. I can only give you dagger looks then, but I always looked up to you like an elder sister. When it was my turn to take the comprehensive exam, you told me not to study, but I did not listen to you; then you gave me this ‘I-told-you-so’ look.

Those memories seemed not so distant, so forgive me if until now I find it difficult to gather my thoughts that you’ve gone so fast, for I still hang on, hopelessly, to the hope that you still have two years to go.

And you knew me so well, you didn’t say goodbye for you knew I wouldn’t take it and I won’t be ready to. Just not that soon (like 48 hours after). I am still insistent of long driving to Ilocos or Bicol with you and the DevCom people. I am still insistent of changing steers with Ate Indhi; assigning Jaime to be the tour guide. Then Rizza’s contagious giggles will fill the air. Our craziness will make our day. I know it would have been a crazy ride, I like I always envision it. But then you cast your sad smile in return. Foolish of me to know it’s the last time I’ll ever see it. Foolish of me not to realize it meant, “no.”

I will miss you, Lizette. I will miss seeing your current playlist song as status in your Yahoo Messenger, and then fussing you about the songs (especially when it’s Madonna’s Like a Virgin) while working. Even though we were not able to meet up regularly after our graduation, I know our time is always well-spent every time we get to hang out and am glad to have paid you a visit during the last three weeks of your life.

You have gracefully fought your trial, for you have a lot of friends whose lives you touched so dearly. I am glad to be one of them…and you’re one heck of a tough cookie.

It is now time for you to rest, my friend; where there is no more pain or suffering. In God’s everlasting arms, I hope you will finally find peace and happiness.

For the meantime, please allow me to shed a tear for you, kahit one minute na lang. For my tears can only attest to the friendship and the fact that I will forever miss you. You’ve triumphed 32 fulfilling years of your life and I am so proud of you.

after our DEVC 201 class; Lizette, Me, and Jaime bide the time by taking pictures.

There’s still a list of to-do things that sits in the dark accumulating with cobwebs and waiting for attention. Maybe I suck in time management; or maybe I am wishing to be doing something else which I am not sure I am capable of; or maybe I am simply making a stupid excuse of being the best in not doing anything right.

It’s “just a job”, at the end of the day, but I don’t want to treat this day to day encounter to be a job but a gift, something that I will feel that I am giving my best and getting the feeling that I am getting an equal result. A social routine that enhances my interpersonal and negotiating skills. An analytical task that challenges my cognitive skills. Today, my love for myself has decreased for a few notches and I turn into second-guessing myself again. If I said something wrong, in my effort to be in my best form; hindi ko na alam. It’s tiring to be always conscious. When I tell people that I am unproductive they say, “Akala mo lang unproductive ka kasi hindi mo nakuha ‘yung gusto mong resulta.” Could be true.

I think I should just go home and call it a day.

she wants real good food. Me likey real good love. hahaha!

What the heck. This is why my sugar is way above normal. Or should I also check my sodium levels; I hate and I love my sleaziness. HA.HA.HA.

I remember earlier this morning that when I decided to have my sugar checked (from the health and wellness seminar), the nurse was playing friendly (this week is Mr. Suave’s week, I swear *facepalm*). The saccharine-laden tongue of this young lass was joking like

“Ma’am, for this procedure I will be asking you some things like if you’re single or married..(with emphasis on “single” in a flirtatious tone), you’re age…” (okay okay i get it, occupational flirting.)

I was like “ohkay, uh-huh…” actually getting that point that he’s playing cutie friendly (okay, he’s cute, but I realize I’m too dense to take a hint–or whatever, I’m simply not playing the game)..it’s my guy friend who was getting his cholesterol check who intervened

“actually, she’s divorced..” (this was the excuse he did when the cashier from the grocery asked us if we will be paying our purchases together or separately).

“Ay Ma’am, it seems that your too young to be divorced.”

I can only smile. Oh you boys, you tire me. And what the heck is wrong with me, I’m too tired to play games. HA.

..and then I want this? HAH. What the heck. I need to learn how to play along or else I won’t find the lurve. Actually, I know how to play this game, the problem is, the last time I played it, it was with the wrong person. Oh well, actually, who says guys are already taken? Civil status is actually geogragphical- dependent. That’s one ugly truth; for most of the cases, at least.

Okay, okay, maybe a chocolate coated ice cream would do. That seems to be more feasible to have right now. Similarly it gives endorphines anyway.