January 31, 2010
Today was the day, with the afternoon sun leaning to slumber, starting to make way for the blue moon, my friends Renelle and Ged got engaged. Renelle was speechles; Ged was ecstatic. I was brimming with happiness. It was simple, spontaneous, and, of course, romantic.
It was special to have walked through their story this far.
!
“When you are needed, it doesn’t actually equate to being loved. At least not in the same level that you might have been hoping for. Drowning thoughts in a glass of water is actually more ridiculous than drowning in the sea of uncertainty.”
It’s the light bulb moment talking.
right now.
“He is kind, so truly kind, but…he is always looking far beyond me…Far beyond me towards something in the distance…
I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to give what his heart truly desires. But despite that, for tomorrow, the day after, and even beyond that, I know I’d still be helplessly in love with him.
While thinking solely of him, I cried myself to sleep.”
-Sumida Kanae
Cosmonaut, Episode 2
5 cm per second
The power of choice
God gave us the freewill to choose our own roads and destiny. It sounds awesome but for people like me, a 29 year old XX freshly plucked out of graduate school, starting my professional career, and has always been guided by elders, it could be nerve-wracking if you are now left to decide on your own.
There’s this scholarship program in the University of Antwerp in Belgium that I wanted to try. My mom (my Polaris) was not too happy about it; and laid out the reasons (and damn, she has a point) why:
- I am just starting my career because I prioritized finishing my MS DevCom. Very true because I am not a scholar, I have to shuttle my time between graduate school and work so I was compelled to stay in UP for almost five years. I have shut out better opportunities because I was bent on finishing my Masteral; and to her, this is not practical because I am freaking 29, and had to have an established career at this point–honing my skills towards the path I will choose and that is to become a Science communicator/communication manager
- I am not physically okay. For the past years that I have been schooling and working, I would always take an annual trip to the hospital due to over fatigue and stress. In the middle of the semester (usually exam week). And I’ve been like this since 17, my mom would like me to relax for two years first before embarking again to another program that I will choose. Mom has been worried ever since and these are the times I would not want to give her another heartache—I’ve seen her worry too much for me for the past 12 years of my life and I know she wanted to enjoy her graceful ageing, that’s why she wanted us to be thinking practically straight when choosing our careers and making decisions. Wow, the older, the more you are restricted to be vacillating.
Of course if she has her reasons, I also have mine:
- Currently, I feel there is nothing intellectually challenging in what I do right not in my job—okay, if I may be kind, the budget management is pretty exciting; because this is something new. But everything else, like I feel restricted to do things because of my current position as an administrative officer. I do not feel I can practice my research and communication skills at all (or if ever there is any, my boss pointed that out during our staff meeting to “feel free” to join in any of the initiatives of our unit). But because of point #1, I feel like my professional life is taking a normal track. I need to start from the bottoTam (since I left my career in the university as a program assistant–more intellectually rewarding); since I am rebuilding my career as communicator—I may find something in my work, but I am afraid to cross borders because we have a communication specialist. I don’t want to step into someone’s toes; though I am already a communication specialist, I would also like to have a mentor how to do things in the field because I am not experienced in that area.
- And considering that I am a neophyte, the organization structure that I am in, I feel restricted to doing things that I am interested in. Imagine too many skills are wasted-statistical skills, design and layout skills, and writing skills. In two years, either I will be complacent into being a coordinator; a slave to everybody (though my mom says it’s just that they do not have an item such as Project Assistant or such).
- Aside from the fact also that I am not a development specialist, I need to enhance my views from the development perspective.
- I want to learn life’s stupid games. I’m 29, okay. See, even making decision like this wrack my brain. I want to be confident. This stint will be more advantageous if I won’t be completely on my own. And in one year, I’ll be coming back.
I don’t know if I am just being random again, or could it be that because I have a friend who will be with me when I go there that I feel I will be okay? I remember when Tatay told me a friend will help me find assistantship in the University of Michigan, I thought if I can really do it. But because of my premise number 1, now I am entertaining the idea of it.
Two main reasons what makes me hold back on things is because of my mom also: I do not want to give her heartache, and I am considering if it’s a professional thing to do. Although I have surveyed and a fellow friend is even leaving IRRI roughly a year after he started (that is, passing the 6-months probation period and crossing over the regular tenancy). And, most importantly, I’ve never seen her this happy that I finished my master’s and is now embarking a career in a good company like ours. This has been her dream, she tells me, to see me work at IRRI. And with that smile, how can I disappoint her again?
I don’t know which to choose at this point, although I do not want to assume anything, I should also think into the frame of getting the scholarship; I am thinking waaaaay too forward, I know but I have to emotionally prepare myself if I will be the only one who will go there; what now? Can I really handle it? The answers, I wouldn’t know for now, so I’m screwed. I hope I can just be unafraid of things and risks. Paulo Coelho just said in his blog about the magic moment.
I hope if I choose to let go of this, I am not letting go of the magic moment, just putting it out for a while. But if I choose to embark into this path, I also hope I will win—even in the sense of maturity and living the real life.
Just friends?
This is probably the biggest puzzle of the century. When a male and female or simply two people of parallel psychological and physiological anatomy meet, converge, and find commonalities and then spend more time than regular Friday-night groupie does, they will get some people thinking “are they more than friends?” Below are some social construct that creates a demarcation line to get “others” thinking that they are “just friends”:
- If spending time with him/her become a “regular” routine to the others, you are more than friends.
- If you get to spend half of the Christmas day with him/her after your family reunion, you are more than friends;
- (For Females) If he starts spending weekends at your house and almost kissing your entire clan’s feet just to please them
- (For Females again) If he braves the 3 hour traffic twice a week just to drive you home (then he takes the bus to get back to his hometown 93.41 kms away lang naman by road.
- There’s the incessant exchange of messages in every means (phone, text, IMs), they say.
- You meet each other regularly (just the two of you, they emphasize) than anybody else and talk until the store/restaurant closes.
- Quoting 500 days of summer, the 6 word thing “I haven’t told this to anyone before” (my version is seven, I know, I forgot the exact line)
- You tend to pick up a very special gift for her first during Christmas, and then do the last minute shopping for your relatives (and even complain about being short in your available funds)
Of course, these are just social constructs. Who we are to say if people can be really just friends or there is something else? The answers, we don’t need to know the answers for now. Unless anyone involved in this situation who is actually doing “special” things (quoting 500 Days of Summer again, “Friends don’t do that, friends don’t f**k in the shower!”) appeared to have intentions of something more than friends, then that will come one fine day. If that person happens to be a guy, you just wait for a provocative situation that will conspire the universe to finally let the two of you unravel your true feelings (considering it is two way, you may hit the google “I’m Feeling Lucky” button a zillion times). If you happen to be a girl, you have two choices: wait for that guy to confess first before hitting the “I’m feeling lucky” button; or if it’s one sided all along, to quote from the movie My Big Love: “Ang nararamdaman mo, iburo mo na lang; atin-atin na lang ito.”
But while the situation does not call for it, be compelled to the current situation that you are in and be grateful enough you’ve got a friend that is always there. It just happens to be special because it is not the ordinary girl-girl or guy-guy friendship. It is special because two people of the opposite chromosome make up find mutual understanding and create similar templates of experiences together. There is nothing else to that, for now. But don’t TOTALLY close the door; bask under God’s love that He gave you someone you can rely on; but do not look beyond what is there in front of you. Live for the moment, don’t put any other feelings; just give your best to give out purest, and truest friendship that you can offer. And for the others, just don’t give a damn. I’ve learned through that years that most of the time it’s not good to put malice into any extraordinary situation. Friends from the opposite sex can be and remain as friends, as long that they perfectly understand their role in each other’s lives. What separates romantic to platonic love is the sexual intimacy/desire and physical attraction. If you can hold off your senses to feel everything but the last two mentioned, you should feel safe; and I think a great feat. Not in a million years you meet someone who can be of two things: be a marital partner or a lifetime buddy. If not, then, quoting from a wedding ceremony “speak now or forever hold your peace.” But will be another story.
Post script: I just got a text from someone under situation 3 and 4, telling me that they are now officially a couple. Just a few minutes ago. So, social constructs 3 and 4 are not really for friends only thing. That’s pretending to be “friends only” thing.
deds
Today, the mom of Rica, IRRI’s super nice girl died. I’ve always admired Rica’s optimism and maturity on things to think she is two years younger than me. Her wit, not to mention her exceptional attitude surprises me. And so, her mom’s passing was, sad, but something that I saw coming because I can see her youngest daughter ready to conquer the world she’d choose to walk on. I can see her eloquence, charm, and vibrant attitude shine on stage (when she presented our project activities in our Vietnam review); and especially, her faithfulness to God and how she lives her life according to God’s will amazes me. But of course, death is still a sad thing, so I have to text her something. For someone who seem to have “everything” I do not know what to say so I just texted her:
Hi Rics, so sorry about your mother’s loss. Be strong. We’re here for you.
At the back of my mind I know I’d get a witty reply. And so I did
“Thanks Rei. It’s not so hard. The past days seeing her and helping her sa ICU, I have concluded that God knows best..and whatever her thinks best for her we will accept.”
It takes more than courage to say these words right onset to the demise of a loved one. Maybe, indeed, they have conditioned themselves for this, but she is only human to admit she’s sad. She cried while relaying the news to our Kuya Caling. I wonder, when it’s my turn to be in her situation, I wish I’d still have the right presence of mind and maturity to face a similar crossroad. So as to let go for the sake of the demised. For love is unconditional and so we should know when and how to let go. Kris Aquino said in her most human form “To mom, we will never be okay. We will be missing you so much.” Death is irreversible. So it’s time to make the best out of every single day to every single person that matters.
363 days ago.
I was “rummaging” the old stuff (my past year’s journal entries) and found this entry (probably I have posted this in my multiply or livejournal site, heck X.X).
Sometimes it feels good to be nostalgic. Continue reading this entry »
Tonight, under the stars, I gaze at your big brown eyes. Your soft hair is gently blown away by the Christmas breeze.
I love you, I whisper to the wind.
More than now, as you pass by me, your fresh scent wafting through the air.
More than now, since the first Christmas we vowed to our lasting friendship through passive silence.
More than ever, as my mind and heart finally found one meaning in all the longings, yearnings, and everything that is about you.
If I can only make us stay this way. I wish we could stay like this; if only to be able to keep you here with me.
With you standing beside me forever; even without letting you know how I feel. I can stay this way.
For I know in my chosen silence, I can give the utmost care I could ever give. I can be the best friend that I could ever be. I can run with you to chase your dreams and memories wherein I know I will forever remain in anonymity.
In my silence, I have found that I love you. So much that I wish you’d find a love that you deserve; someone out there who’d be simply grateful about having you.
So tonight, to my thousand and ninety fifth day of loving you; Let my passive silence tell you that my season of feelings has never passed. Let me stand beside you in one of these last moments I will ever stand beside you like this; let my silence speak for what I have felt all along. Let my moment pass me by. With you beside me, it speaks a thousand forever; my universe which I long to stretch in eternity.
Tonight, under the orion, let the Christmas breeze blow away my longing. And let it sit there in the wind.
I love you.
Love being a good, but not the best thing.
“Being in love is a good thing…but it’s not the best thing.”
I always have the penchant into poignant love proverbs. Maybe it’s my cynical quality that draws me into the bitterness of these statements; that no matter how love seemed to be so good in the beginning, as what my former classmates, Father Sisoy explicated, “It’s tragic.”
And so when Father Sisoy saw this, he was up with the challenge “What is the next best thing, then, Rei?”
Suddenly, I felt the need to grope for ultimate wisdom. What the heck. What is, indeed, the next best thing?
In the first place, how was I to know that love is such a good thing?
Recently, I had this strange longing of being with someone special. I wanted to see myself finally settling down, and then having kids of my own. Yes, they will be that cute little ones who will always take my blue away.
But then, reality easily sets in. A colleague who’s trapped in the web of extramarital affair, a friend who has relationship problems, along with other, a friend who treats you like an living diary about her love life, that you know every detail of their fights, petty to big ones.
Now I was asked the next best thing about being in love, I don’t even know what love is, to begin with. All I know is that, love is a humane feeling. It traps us, blinds us, and stays with us like a chronic disease. It doesn’t have a lifespan, and the more complicated it is, the more difficult it can be cured. In my own case, it makes my day, but also ruins it with the same intensity. I’ve had my share of being in love in the most fleeting moment and man, it sucks. It indeed, was the good thing, once you find yourself out of this hellish thing, but resentful when you’re trapped again.
I wonder then, what is the better thing after you have gone wasted and back and all those almost resentful tasks? Father says it’s the being of love. For love is not a fleeting moment or a feeling, it is a state of being, it is us. It says who we are.
I wish I could grow and be mature enough to face these difficulties that I encounter, so I can be capable of loving someone. I wish I could love someone, not just with the idea of love. Not with the butterflies; or the pleasing discomfort one may bring to my heart when he would acknowledge my furtive glance. But with someone, whom I would dare to give my best shot, be the most unselfish being I could be, while being me.
Or simply, love someone without fear.
Probably the most painful, but liberating feeling. I wish someday I could do this.
