Tonight, under the stars, I gaze at your big brown eyes. Your soft hair is gently blown away by the Christmas breeze.

I love you, I whisper to the wind.

More than now, as you pass by me, your fresh scent wafting through the air.

More than now, since the first Christmas we vowed to our lasting friendship through passive silence.

More than ever, as my mind and heart finally found one meaning in all the longings, yearnings, and everything that is about you.

If I can only make us stay this way. I wish we could stay like this; if only to be able to keep you here with me.

With you standing beside me forever; even without letting you know how I feel. I can stay this way.

For I know in my chosen silence, I can give the utmost care I could ever give. I can be the best friend that I could ever be.  I can run with you to chase your dreams and memories  wherein I know I will forever remain in anonymity.

In my silence, I have found that I love you.  So much that I wish you’d find a love that you deserve;  someone out there who’d be simply grateful about having you.

So tonight, to my thousand and ninety fifth day of loving you; Let my passive silence tell you that my season of feelings has never passed. Let me stand beside you in one of these last moments I will ever stand beside you like this; let my silence speak for what I have felt all along.  Let my moment pass me by. With you beside me, it speaks a thousand forever; my universe which I long to stretch in eternity.

Tonight, under the orion, let the Christmas breeze blow away my longing.  And let it sit there in the wind.

I love you.

Love being a good, but not the best thing.

“Being in love is a good thing…but it’s not the best thing.”

I always have the penchant into poignant love proverbs.  Maybe it’s my cynical quality that draws me into the bitterness of these statements; that no matter how love seemed to be so good in the beginning, as what my former classmates, Father Sisoy explicated, “It’s tragic.”

And so when Father Sisoy saw this, he was up with the challenge “What is the next best thing, then, Rei?”

Suddenly, I felt the need to grope for ultimate wisdom.  What the heck. What is, indeed, the next best thing?

In the first place, how was I to know that love is such a good thing?

Recently, I had this strange longing of being with someone special.  I wanted to see myself finally settling down, and then having kids of my own.  Yes, they will be that cute little ones who will always take my blue away.

But then, reality easily sets in.  A colleague who’s trapped in the web of extramarital affair, a friend who has relationship problems, along with other, a friend who treats you like an living diary about her love life, that you know every detail of their fights, petty to big ones.

Now I was asked the next best thing about being in love, I don’t even know what love is, to begin with.  All I know is that, love is a humane feeling.  It traps us, blinds us, and stays with us like a chronic disease.  It doesn’t have a lifespan, and the more complicated it is, the more difficult it can be cured.  In my own case, it makes my day, but also ruins it with the same intensity.  I’ve had my share of being in love in the most fleeting moment and man, it sucks. It indeed, was the good thing, once you find yourself out of this hellish thing, but resentful when you’re trapped again.

I wonder then, what is the better thing after you have gone wasted and back and all those almost resentful tasks?  Father says it’s the being of love. For love is not a fleeting moment or a feeling, it is a state of being, it is us.  It says who we are.

I wish I could grow and be mature enough to face these difficulties that I encounter, so I can be capable of loving someone.  I wish I could love someone, not just with the idea of love. Not with the butterflies; or the pleasing discomfort one may bring to my heart when he would acknowledge my furtive glance. But with someone, whom I would dare to give my best shot, be the most unselfish being I could be, while being me.

Or simply, love someone without fear.

Probably the most painful, but liberating feeling. I wish someday I could do this.

…on being an “angel” once

As a volunteer marshall to the US Secretary’s visit to IRRI on Sunday, I was given a briefing this afteroon what to expect, and what we’re supposed to do during the stay. As said, there will be over 100 international media who will be following the US Agriculture Secretar Tom Vilsack with other diplomats and dignitaries.

As I browsed through my briefer, I saw a familiar name: my former boss. My heart began skipping; excited as I am, I marked his presentation time with a yellow marker. I wanted to be in the board room for his performance. Suddenly, all my program assistant memories rushed into my veins and from that moment on, I wanted to be part of his team again. Where I felt I was so empowered to be in my best; with the best manpower that I have. I wanted to make sure my former boss will get the best treatment. Ah, this longing of wanting to be one of his “angels” again. I still have this stupid guilt feeling of leaving a couple of unfinished business because I wanted a breather; and feel needed. More of this longing feeling came surging in when I texted him about his presentation and he replied “Actually, it will be you and Chanot who will be presenting. I will just answer questions.”

I  don’t know what I felt but I was moved. That was the video Chanot and I worked hard for before I finished my stint at UPLB. I was one of the voice talents there, and that time I was actually apprehensive, if our humble work (mostly Chanot’s) would merit for a public viewing; and it will be. In front of international delegates, in fact.

Ah. It will be untimely and inconsiderate to regret, but suddenly, human as I am, I felt a tinge of it. Of that days I have almost given up, got too weary, got an everyday overtime until 10  evening, tried hard to sleep a wink to not worrying how I am going to balance my MS and studies, how could I have not realized, that I was happier at that state. The uncertainty, the pressure, the challenge, the program, the administrative matters, the technical reports, the problem, were all mine. And I can see something valuable rise out of it.

And why until now I am trying to give the most logical reason my heart could ever give why I chose to give up on this, I have a thousand reasons to leave, but I have only one reason to stay, and that made all sense. I would be happier.

I can’t turn back now, and things have changed since I left; but one lesson this experience taught me is how I value these people now, more than ever…and how, I know are the only the best co colleagues I can ever work with; because I was my whole self, apart from being able to give my whole dedication to my job…wait, it was never a job for me at all.

Yeah, for the last two years, I was jobless.

So, coming Sunday, and the ensuing days after my thesis, I will be committing myself to be an “angel” again. Jatropha Program Angel, that is.

During the first angel’s (Kath) farewell party. I flew out next.

God gives us valuable people along our journey, that no matter how fleeting will be, it was memorable, worth keeping, and looking back.

So make every moment count.  Get a job that was not a job at all; you will see the difference, how it will make you a different person; a better one. That hours, days, months and years are no difference. Get the best job of your life. And you will never feel working at all. For the last two years, I am glad I did not feel like working; and I will find that feeling again at my new abode.

getting back to where we started.

This short film article is simply brilliant. My friend, Dianne sent this to me this morning and I can’t help but post it here; it was so eloquent as if the writer knows my stories; as if I was the one typing all of this.

Now you know the very reason why I put up this blog.  Enough said.

Ponyo

Exploiting the tag surfer option here in WordPress, I came across tPonyo, another brilliant creation by Hayao Miyzaki, director of my favorite movies Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke, Castle in the Sky, Grave of the Fireflies, and Kiki’s Delivery Service. Again, the genuis Miyazaki-san shone brightly in this film; though I only watched the trailer; it was enough for me to surmise that this is a brilliant as his other movies.

To give in to my Miyazaki cravings, I’ve contracted an International Consultant based in Laos to get me a box Studio Ghibli collection. He was even kind enough to lend me his Akira Kurosawa collection. I hope to get them before Christmas! ^^ Perfect christmas gift!

Synopsis:

The son of a sailor, 5-year old Sosuke lives a quiet life on an oceanside cliff with his mother Lisa. One fateful day, he finds a beautiful goldfish trapped in a bottle on the beach and upon rescuing her, names her Ponyo. But she is no ordinary goldfish. The daughter of a masterful wizard and a sea goddess, Ponyo uses her father’s magic to transform herself into a young girl and quickly falls in love with Sosuke, but the use of such powerful sorcery causes a dangerous imbalance in the world. As the moon steadily draws nearer to the earth and Ponyo’s father sends the ocean’s mighty waves to find his daughter, the two children embark on an adventure of a lifetime to save the world and fulfill Ponyo’s dreams of becoming human.

Cheese: pinoy-style

Nothing gets sicker than being trapped in the IRRI clinic, with abdominal cramps, migraine, forthcoming diarrhea AND a five minute preview of this so-called launching movie of these two trying hard so-called “loveteam” Aljur and Kris.

I only got to read about this movie when Baron Geisler was said to have intentionally punched the male lead in the face. Being walked through the 5 grueling minutes of this stupid movie, I knew why. If I were Baron, I would have planted a bomb at the crew for giving him such as this screwed up script. Oh. Wait, he needed money; okay, accepted.

So I was being slowly walked through….slowly and long enough for me to know the whole story. Even the dumbest fortune teller could predict what will happen to the ending.

..wait that was Kris Bernal walking in a T-shaped swimsuit. I thought it was a ruler. Did they really have to include that in the trailer? I’d rather she wear a ruffled polka dot bikini. She looked so young to wear that. Puhleaase. Leave that parcel of clothing to the “accidental porn star” Katrina Halili. Or Cristine Reyes.

The pain is searing again; this time, I think it reached my brain, I can’t pull it off, that they really have to shoot it in Bohol. Oh, please, have decency. Oh yeah, they need a perfect scenery to neutralize the movie. DOT could have produced a 2 minute ad for Bohol and I’d appreciate it more.

And yes, I know everybody in the 7,107 of the Philippine Island knows there’s a freaking tarsier in Bohol!! By this time, the theme song is almost done; it gets an IQ of 0.1 to guess the title. But wait, I was wrong. There’s a second title in ellipsis “…nagmamahal sa iyo”.

What the heck.

It couldn’t get any yuckier than this.

One word: PATHETIC.

But what blowed up my brain was that scene when the male lead drew a big heart in the air (as big as his deflated ego after doing this movie) in his most cringing, writhing, heart-aching expression he could pull off. Crossed his arms across his chest, and then flung his arms, with his two fingers in the air.In Abi’s term “iginuhit ang puso sa hangin.“

With the Philippine flag in background. I cringed in my seat. I was mortified. For the Philippine flag.

Give it a decency, people. I don’t know what does the Philippine flag have to do with that most idiotic non verbal cue I have ever seen? It’s okay to make it CHEEESY as in with molds and everything, but to include the Phil. Flag??

GEEEZZ. I feel sorry for the actors. I feel sorry for the love team because this is all they get after the effort. I thought nothing would be cheesier than Kim Chiu shouting in tears “Bakit ang bike, may preno, ang celfone na lo-lowbatt, bakit ang puso, hindi napipigilan?” (Thank you, Sha for correcting me, geez you’re really a GENIUS).  Or something like that, I did not bother to jot that down unless it’s for a freak show.

So, here’s the Philippines take for the so called romantic movies Darn, they don’t make you swoon at all,  it’s meant to kill you.

*will post of the trailer later.

The virgin employee in Performance appraisal

This afternoon was quite productive. I just had my Individual Performance and Development (IPaD); sort of a performance-appraisal from our institute. It aims to level off the expectations from the supervisor and the employee; in my case, what am I being expected of in lieu of our unit’s goals.

Though I am just a newbie in this institute, I still need a concrete definition how to proceed in terms of our small unit and the whole institute’s goals.

So I jotted some of the objectives; some things that I felt I needed to do for the rest of the year. My boss is very patient with a stingy employee like me. I admitted that this is my first time that I will be talking to my boss and iron out gaps, and design career challenges for me. As a two month-old employee in an international organization, I feel I have to adjust; a relatively big adjustment. The IPaD manual that I read says that I have to set SMART objectives (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Reliable and Time-bound). Since this is my first time to be in an performance appraisal activity, my boss slowly walked me through the process. In my end, here are some things that I did so the discussion will go as smoothly as possible.

Set your goal early on. In my case, as an Administrative Coordinator, I have set on my goal to make my boss’ life easier. This is something that I cleared from him as soon as we sat down, and asked him to walk me through how he wanted me to make his life easier. I told him that my purpose of being on-board is to make everyone’s life, especially his, easier. So that we can smoothly implement the project.  On top of everything, it has to be the project and the proponents.

Discuss issues encountered with boss. I have a small notebook wherein I wrote the issues I have encountered and I discussed the learnings I got from dealing with it; I also gave due credits to those who helped me along the way. My mom early on told me to do this, so it will serve as a discussion guide for me and my boss. True enough, some hidden issues surfaced and I was able to articulate it. I discussed all the things that I’ve learned from the most difficult task that I encountered and we both reach an agreement to do certain things when specific problems arises.

If there is any personal issue, bring it out. As an employee and in a diverse and more open environment, I feel that I can easily express my views here than when I was in the University. Maybe the fact that I am in an international organization, it sort of created a platform for open mindedness.  I brought out my issues to my boss, which will seem to affect me in the future so that I will get his advice how to handle it in the future. When in the first day, one employee seemed not to sit well with the idea that I edited his letter, I told my boss in this session. It’s because one employee’s attitude may hamper what I am expected to do; because I only do what is being asked of me: reviewing my terms of reference, I am expected to edit, proofread and enhance project documents and letter is a project document. If it continues, I won’t be able to perform my job well. My boss said to deal with it, and makisama na lang. Case closed. I can now move on.

Individual development plans. The IPaD has section for individual development. And so this is my chance to tell my boss how I do things in the University and how these tasks are important to me to be able to do my job efficiently. Like attending simple meetings, I immediately said that I appreciate that I am being asked to sit down during meetings because I become well-versed with the project; and the more I am well-versed, the more I won’t be needing much supervision from anybody else; the lesser burden for my boss to answer simple questions that are below his level. I have always put in mind that my goal is to make my boss’ life easier; and to know more is to make his life easier. I guess when things are like this way, the boss appreciates your idea and future effort.

Emphasize the importance of communication. As we are reflecting things, I told my boss that I always come to him personally so that I can break barriers. The more open I am with him, the more I can work effectively and vice-versa. I was even tempted to tell him not to be afraid to vent out his frustrations; because that’s how my former boss do. He vents his frustration and so I become more sensitive how to relay important information to our collaborators. I know where he is coming from and this will smoothen the communication flow between him and the other party; with me mediating.

Next post, hopefully, I can post the SMART objectives I have come up with.

After this objective-setting session, I will be evaluated at the end of the year; so better come up with SMART objectives soon.

08.08.2009

You are this person whom I’d like to fondly call my one-night prince.

You always rescue my dreary heart by showering me with your kindness. My longing heart was filled with love when you held my hand one chilly afternoon. And then again one sunny afternoon.

And again and again, whenever I feel longing for someone to love me. Your hand was just right there, finding mine filled with longing. You even danced with my heart one lonely night. Suddenly, you became my heart’s refuge.

You always make me feel special, a friend, and gives me this assumption that I can be somebody beyond being what we are now.

Each day with you is always worth looking forward and back. There was never a time you made me at least, live in the illusion that I can be loved by somebody.

Your furtive glances spells a lifetime that I’d like to spend gazing at them. Your gentle smile makes me whisper a silly wishful thinking that I was the one who caused it.

You hold my hand completely obliterating things that spell loneliness and fear. Your fingers were just enough to fill the spaces between mine, securing my heart in it amidst the uncertainty.

Yes, you gave me the illusion of being loved.

I know this is just a dream that lasts at the strike of midnight. For the next day, you will choose a life without me again.

But you got me wanting this feeling, though laden with uncertainty. You made me want to spend a lifetime of uncertainty as long as your fingers are locked into mine.

You made Cinderella feel that she can love somebody and be loved.

Am I naïve? Maybe. And with that, comes realization that I should be stronger, holding on to my logics, so as to defy my stubborn heart.

That our dance is over.

Or, there was no fairy tale at all.

My dear one night prince, who was so chivalrous to take my hand and dance with me; my prince who made me feel that a girl like me can dream and make it true—my heart’s refuge, albeit furtively; our time has ran out.

..and I have to wake up from this illusion.

For you have long awakened and chose to live your life without me.

Ika-20 ng Agosto, 2009

Sa iyo,

Malapit na.

Malapit ko nang malimutan ang mga sandaling muntik akong malunod;

Malapit na uling marating ang rurok ng paglimot;

Malapit na, sabi ng utak ko.

Kailangan ko lang palang lunurin ang sarili ko sa mga masasayang alaala, katumbas ng mga ipinakita mo, o ipinadama mo.

Mga kantang Aegis, at pambabalahura ng iba.  Siguro nga, ‘yun lang ang kailangan ko.

Oo, malapit na. Alam ko, panandalian lang naman ito, at walang mangyayari.  Hanggang dito na lang talaga siguro, kahit sa isang sulok ng utak ko, hindi bumibitaw sa ilusyon na baka pwede pa. Na baka naman kasi meron nga.

May pag-asa pa.

Konti na lang.

Yayakapin ko na ulit ang bagong araw sa buhay ko; at mapatunayang kaya kong bumalik sa dati; ‘yung ako na walang inaasahang pagmamahal sa iba; ‘yung ako na nabubuhay sa paniniwalang sa huli, nakatakda talaga akong mag-isa.

Malapit ko na uling makumbinsi ang sarili ko na wala akong kailangang itanong–kung may darating pa.

Gusto na kitang kalimutan…ikaw at lahat ng nararamdaman ko.  Turuan mo akong huwag tuluyang mahulog sa iyo. turuan mo akong maging matigas, sa kabila ng ipinapakita mong pag-aalala;  turuan mo akong huwag basta-bastang maniwala sa mga sinasabi mo.

Ayoko nang maniwala kasi.  Kaya tulungan mo akong huwag nang umasa dahil sa huli, wala naman talagang dapat asahan.

Sana pinapaasa mo lang ako.

Sana pinapasakay mo lang ako sa mga panandaliang gusto mo.

Sana wala lang ang lahat ng ito  sa iyo.

Para mas madali ang kalimutan ka.

Kasi malapit na eh. Konti na lang.

a crappy letter waiting to be sent #1

One of the things that I am fond of doing close to midnight (like this moment) is to write sappy things. My friend,  Jaime has always regarded me as OA. Well, as I always tell him, he’s got a Cancerian friend. Whatever that means. I am really moody, sometimes, I look back at my compositions and they can get sickeningly saccharine. Whatever.

So, one of my sickeningly saccharine entries were written months, months, months ago when I was in a coffee shop. sipping my coffee alone. This crap doesn’t merit any introduction, would it?Anyway…

I decided to say goodbye to you in one of my most favorite places–this place where I spend most of my time throwing a furtive glance on the empty chair beside me; hoping that your warm smile would bask the lonely atmosphere; or bring me tranquility in the midst of this horrendous place.

I decided to say goodbye to my most insane flights of fancy, in this place where I brewed a lot of dreams.  In which I have long wanted to make you happy.  In which in my hands I hoped you’d find ethereal happiness.  In my smile I hope you’d feel loved.  In my hand, I hope you’d find forever.

I decided to say goodbye to the tinge of excitement you bring, like how the smell of roasted beans waft through the heavy air; sending me a thousand heartbeats in a blink. It’s almost as nuts as me wanting to bring our virtual reality into something actually real.

Maybe you don’t even know that, but I would like to tell you now, that I look forward to things like this.

With you.

With us actually verbally stripping our minds naked over an actual steaming cup of coffee; sharing our big dreams and working together to realize it; finding meanings in our most nonsensical moments; having fun in our spontaneity…finding comfort in our silence.

But I guess it never will happen to me…not to us, at least. Like those stories I have written in the wind, ours will be swirled onto nothingness, but will always bring familiar scent, a nostalgic feeling during summer afternoons as the golden narra blossoms flutter into the vast horizon.

It’s much like the cinnamon in cappuccino.  It’s light froth and minty-sweet spice gradually disappears as I stir onto my cup; and once I take a sip, and I wonder who would have known it’s actually there; but I can actually taste it.

Amazing, but bittersweet.

It suddenly reminded me of that Thursday night, when I watch your speed into the busy street.  Your eyes transfixed into the straight road ahead; unmindful of a longing gaze that pierces into the moonlight. Away from it.

Away from me.

Realization ensued that what we had just reached the dead end. There can be a chance to turn back, but never to look forward. There’s no sense of going anywhere else, but to where we started.

-R-